Music Monday

Yesterday was Easter. It's spring, the time for renewal. Why, then, am I having so much trouble renewing my faith? I don't know how to articulate what I believe in anymore. I guess I need to concentrate on who I am instead of what I call myself.

I was baptized Catholic by parents who didn't really follow organized religion. My mother was Catholic. She went to a school run by the same nuns who had taught her mother. The nuns were young and cheerful when it was my grandmother's turn, but far less so by the time my mother was a student. I think it ruined things for her. My father was raised Episcopalian but didn't really practice. We seldom attended church. When I was 14, my sister and I started going to church with friends. After a few months of regularly attending and singing in the folk group (it was the 80s, ok?), we were ready to take the plunge. We went through RCIA classes and soon received our sacraments - First Communion for me, and both First Communion and Confirmation for her (she was about to graduate from high school). I was Confirmed a few years later.

Over the next few years, I was very involved in our parish activities. During college, my attendance was spottier. I was married in the Church by the same priest who baptized me. People who've seen our wedding album always comment about how happy Father George looked. I'm not surprised - it was a lovely, welcoming church community. I had many friends there and always felt a sense of love when I entered the church.

After getting married, I stopped going to church regularly. By the time our children were born, I'd drifted so far I didn't get them baptized. Eventually, I felt the need to bring them to church. We had them all baptized together. It was quite a sight. They began attending CCD. K received her First Communion a couple of years ago. C was due to receive his this year. I stopped taking them late last year after I was no longer able to explain to them why we believed certain things even though the Church was telling us to do something else. The term "Cafeteria Catholic" may work for some but it's darn near impossible to explain to small children, particularly those who are autistic and rule-bound.

My sister still attends church regularly. She was visiting this weekend and we had many conversations about our faith. I was relieved when I heard that she'd struggled with similar issues. Our childhood parish is very liberal. Our current parishes are very traditional. For me, the complete lack of feeling at home in my new church was the breaking point. She struggled through and is still working on things. During times like this weekend, I wish I could say the same. I miss having a spiritual home. I'd like my kids to have one. BUMD has no real interest in it, despite being raised Catholic too. I think it might be easier if I found a spiritual home within myself and then found a spiritual group that can enhance it. If I'm not feeling the love within myself, how am I to share it with others?

Many years ago, I was driving up to my home parish for Good Friday Mass. I was excited not only for the services, but because my sister was driving home from college and was planning to meet me there. I felt profound joy in church that day, for so many reasons. On the drive up (it's called Our Lady of the Mountain for a reason), I was listening to Boston. That day, the song Foreplay/Long Time reminded me of Jesus' struggle during his last days. There was just something in the music that evoked the same feelings within me that I felt when listening to the scriptures during that mass. I told my sister about it and she agreed. Of course, I had to play it first thing yesterday to commemorate that time together.

"Time doesn't wait for me, It keeps on rolling." Will I ever figure out how to roll with it?